He is someone I've always felt loved me enough to protect me and keep me safe. The thing I am struggling so deeply with is that I want to have a partner, a totally exclusive partner, not someone who is married and "allowed" to be with another woman.
It has never been my desire to be in a relationship like this.
Dear Colette, my question is a bit "heavy" and I hope you are willing to help me with it, because it is totally messing with my body, my heart, my head, with my confidence, with my ability to believe that it's possible for anyone to ever love me again, or ever want to risk being with me because of the physical and psychological impact.
I wish it weren't true, but I have contracted the virus for genital herpes.
On the other hand, you might notice symptoms within a few days to a couple of weeks after the initial contact.
Or you might not have an initial outbreak of symptoms until months or even years after becoming infected.
However, I also feel that the pertinent thing to keep in mind here is that the symptoms you are having are not "normal" (without trying to make you feel "abnormal").
According to Web MD.com: You may never notice symptoms from an HSV infection.
I know that makes little difference to the reality of your situation -- that it changes nothing -- but in some way, I hope you can feel the huge hug I am giving you right now. According to "Most people with genital herpes have infrequent, mild, or no noticeable symptoms, and 90 per cent of them are totally unaware that they even have it." And that, according to is because "surprisingly, most doctors do NOT include a blood test for herpes even when they are testing their patients for other common STDs."So, even if you and your partner wait to be tested before having sex -- if you haven't asked for the specific herpes blood test -- there is STILL the risk that one or both of you have the HSV1 or HSV2 virus and don't know it. Statistically 60-80 per cent of adults carry the HSV1 virus (in the form of cold sores) whereas 14-20 per cent carry the HS2 virus on the genitals.
According to Dating With (DWH.org) about 45-60 million Americans have genital herpes. According to DWH.org: HSV1 has become the cause of about 30 per cent of new genital herpes infections -- usually spread via oral sex.
None seem to be anywhere as severe as you've described and for that reason, Todd suggested that you may want to consider seeing a specialist: an immunologist.
To address your question about not wanting to pass this painful virus onto someone else, I completely understand.
How can I risk the health and wellbeing of someone that I love? I can only imagine the pain (both physical and emotional), the worry about your sex life being over, the anger (at him and at you) for allowing this to happen, and the stress of symptoms that just won't go away.