The Ryder Cup is my favourite event on the golfing calendar.
It is three days of relentless distraction from the usual toil of planning lessons, marking work, and weeping silently.
They need to stun the angry, unwashed, Make America Great Again swarm, desperately gripping their concealed-carry compensators and belting out a mini-erection inducing ‘mashed potato,’ hoping to impress their cousin.
Two beauties together will guarantee success, but possibly at the expense of weakening the rest.
Finally, if you do have two brainless, never put them together; sticking shards of metal in a socket is never clever (true story – Adam Ford of class 7B nearly lost his life).
For the Americans to stand a chance of winning, they need their baying mob of imbeciles to caress their egos every step of the way.
Like one of those brainless bastards from your childhood, the one that pulled down your shorts during the school’s Christmas assembly (f**k you, Paul Jennings), they only have the courage to keg you if they’re backed up by a giggling group of reprobates. They need to silence the pudgy, basement-dwelling, irritants, stuffed on cookie dough and pissy beer, pausing between mouthfuls of hotdog so they can scream ‘Baba booey’ until their jelly faces turn red.
The Bland They might do something; the type of student that will smile agreeably and nod as someone tells them their level – the type of golfer that will lay up The Brainless They will do nothing; the type of student that will stare vacantly and not be able to spell the word ‘level’ – the type of golfer that you would not expect to be playing in the Ryder Cup. The type of student that will ridicule relentlessly and not care about their level – the type of golfer that can ruin or redeem any partner’s mindset.
The Bastards You don’t want them to do anything; the type of student that will plan maliciously and destroy indiscriminately – the type of golfer that is a vice-captain for Team USA.But it will be far more effective if it is the European players that do all the talking.Darren Clarke needs to pick his pairs carefully, they need to support each other intelligently, and the crowd needs to be dealt with swiftly.From the first tee to the final putt, it all matters.It matters so much that an uncomfortable, anti-American sentiment has started to bubble deep inside.If they’re bland with flashes of beauty, they will make a formidable partnership with someone who is brilliant and boisterous.